The transcript of a regression session with Holly Holmes-Meredith, Doctor of Ministry, MA, MFT, CCHT


The session pre-talk [this part was expanded to provide context to the reader, the rest is the transcript of the session]:

Me: A friend inspired me to start writing for my [My Inner Wisdom] blog again. The first article was titled "the Ego must know its place", the second "You are worthy: the folly of earning love"... Maybe my articles are too deep/intense, I don't know how to simplify them.

Holly: maybe you don't want to simplify them, maybe the "simple" is not your clientele.

Me: I had a major breakthrough. I've identified new parts [of my psyche] that I want to work with.

On Thursday I felt really really tired. I tried to shift my energy. Then I decided that having some wine would be a good idea. The moment I started drinking I kind of blacked out. All I remember is that I was in tears because I felt homesick. I was supposed to have a call with a friend to share my recent breakthroughs. By the time we had a call I was being hysterical. He supported me, and I - probably (I cannot remember) - felt better - I do not recall the conversation. I woke up fully dressed and hungover. This really weird blackout incident led me to ask for this session, because it's addiction, i.e. what we've been working on, and because I think that the part that got drunk is the part that is afraid of its gift (I called it the Strategist), and I want to find, heal, and integrate that part.

Here's the backstory on the Strategist. Lately I've been relying on the Psychology of Selves framework to identify wounded "parts". Part is a "self" that represents an archetype or a wounded child. The day prior to my blackout I talked to a friend about addiction. She was sharing about hers: how it made her feel, and that she noticed that she wants to numb herself because she is overwhelmed by fear of her uniqueness. During this conversation I juxtaposed it against my dad's drinking and realized that he too, must've been feeling overwhelmed because he couldn't use his uniqueness, his gift [because he was an anti-communist], and so he must've been resentful of himself. Then I juxtaposed this insight on my own drinking: so, if I am numbing myself with alcohol like my dad because I am afraid of my own gift, what gift is it, and why am I afraid of it?

A quick review of my potential gifts resulted in the Strategist. I have the gift of strategizing/identifying patterns/connecting the dots. I am good at using it to help others, succeed at work, but I am bad at helping myself. So, my hypothesis was that the part who gets drunk is the Strategist, because it's afraid of its gift of Strategy. Since any part has a shadow, the opposite, the Strategist's shadow must be confused, disoriented, unable to think, giftless.

Thus I've figured that I possibly found two new parts: one, the Strategist, and its Shadow. The Strategist is gifted, thinks 15 steps ahead, has power, but is afraid of/ overwhelmed by it. The Shadow is confused, disoriented, unable to connect the dots. I want to find these two parts, understand their trauma, and heal and integrate them both.

Holly: so what's your intention for this session?

Me: I want to be free, I want to step into my power. I want to trust it. I want to trust myself.

I want to stop fighting with myself, resenting myself, and numbing myself. I want to understand how I feel. I want to be able to regulate myself better. I want to be in peace and harmony. I want to feel grateful about my gift instead of pushing it away. I want to get to know these two parts. The strategist that's self-medicating with alcohol, and the other that's disoriented, the giftless one. I want the Strategist to focus on me, help me.

The session:

Holly: the goal today is to support you in your work with these parts, the strategist that has all the power, and discover what the fear is that's motivating it to hide, regulate, self-medicate and deny that power. In support of this goal we call on your higher self to support you in an effective and safe way. With that intention focus on that strategist and how she camee into your awareness, focus on where she may reside in your body, what form she may take, and what sensations she's causing, so that she can come forward. So where do you feel it?

Me: in my heart.

Holly: if she could speak what would she say?

Me: I am a monster.

Holly: please show us how and why. Go to the source of this perception. I'll count you out…

Me: I've seen this lifetime before. I see a girl who's a werewolf. One scene I see in particular is that she's turned back into a human and she still has all the blood all over her face. My heart is pounding still from the adrenaline of killing. I love it. I love killing. I sense my prey's adrenaline. The smell of it is intoxicating.

Holly: it's intoxicating in the wolf form. Is it a different experience when you're a human?

Me: it's veery very different, nothing alike. But I've just turned, so thee wolf in me is still felling it. It's orgasmic.

Holly: but it's residual..

Me; yes. And as I set into a human, in comes shame.

Holly: how you navigate these two contradictory worlds?

Me: I feel horrible. When I am human, I dread being different. Dread being who I am. Dread being discovered. But there are others who are like me. I am not the only one. I know that. Relatively speaking I am lucky, because I live in a community (of wolves).

Holly: so be with someone in this community who you can relate to, and trust, and have a conversation about this duality, this dilemma all the time.

Me: my grandfather. He was a leader of this community. He was killed by this one very ambitious guy, who killed him to take his spot. He'd stop at nothing to get what he wants. He wants all villages to be under his control. My grandfather led the community from the heart, ensuring peace and safety, and moderation, self-regulation.

Holly: in the wisdom of this lineage what do you understand about who you are?

Me: its magic.

Holly: who has the privilege of this magic?

Me: I do, my grandfather did, my grandmother.

Holly: is it inherited or you can learn it?

Me: I don't know anyone who learned it.

Holly: In terms of the rest of the people on the planet, what's your relationship with non werewolves?

Me: I eat them.

Holly: how do you feel when you say that?

Me: sad.

Holly: do you have a choice about not eating them?

Me: it's very very hard to give up. Yes I do have a choice. But it's as if you've tried the most delicious thing ever, like the nectar of gods, and you can have it any time you want, but you choose not to, and you choose to eat oatmeal for the rest of your life. That's how it is. Technically i have a choice, but practically the urge is so strong.

Holly: when does it happen, like astrologically or environmentally?

Me: I don't know, at different times. I just start feeling it. It's like I come alive.

Holly: and when you have this experience, do the others in your community experience it too, are you synchronized or do they have their own cycle?

Me: sometimes and sometimes not.

So living a live a vampire what are your challenges?

Me: Im not vampire, I'm werewolf.

Holly: yes, the werewolf. What is it like on a day to day basis?

Me: not too bee exposed, control it. Then, to stop feeling the shame and the guilt.

Holly: how aware is the general population about werewolves.

Me: some are. It's hidden in plain site, but majority just don't want to know. They'd rather stay in their own bubble.

Holly: are there threats from people who know?

Me: yes of course. They are always threats. The average person does not want to know and would rather attribute it to whatever else rather than the obvious. But there are these paranoid people who hunt us and are on a mission to exterminate us. But I think that the biggest threat to our community comes from within. Like this guy who killed my grandfather. He's getting really really aggressive, so he's breaking the balance between us and humans. He's so bloodthirsty so actually when I see him or hear of him I feel 10 times more ashamed of myself, because I feel somehow associated with him. It holds the mirror to my own face about me being a murderer.

Holly: so what have you learned from it?

Me: I cannot escape the cycle of killing and guilt.

Holly: you cannot be at peace with it?

Me: no.

Holly: is there anything else you need to know about this lifetime?

Me: I've given up my magic.

Holly: whats the consequence of that?

Me: I've withered away.

Holly: ok go to the death experience. What do you feel?

Me: I feel a lot of regret, helplessness. Loss, sadness.

Holly: follow that into your death, and see what happens next.

Me: Im in this kind of infinite space.

Holly: is it light or dark?

Me: it's whatever you want it to be.

Holly: what do you want it to be?

Me: muted.

Holly: just be in the muted, and when you're ready for the life review of this life of a werewolf that you just left, have a soul awareness about the lesson of this lifetime, especially around the issue of power, about not being like everyone else and how dangerous it can be. What's happening?

Me: the purpose was to have fun, to be playful, to self express, to stretch myself, to experience power in this form.

Holly: what about all the struggles and shame, whats the purpose of that?

Me: that's how I learn love: to have that power with its consequences and still to love and accept myself, and be harmonious with myself, to be at peace with who I am.

Holly: and how successful were you?

Me: not at all. Also: the urges that this girl could not control: first off they can be controlled, because the power belongs to me, not the other way around. I am bigger than it.

Holly: how aware were you about that in that lifetime?

Me: not at all aware. I felt a victim of it.

Holly: so that awakening in the interlife can be a consciousness that you can control it.

Me: Yes. The power is always given to the point, which we can handle.

Holly: how can it affect the fear of power in the current lifetime?

Me: three's nothing to fear. It's a gift. FYI ))) to be enjoyed, experimented with, share. It's like a rocket: you can use it to fly to the moon, or you can let it rust.

Holly: let's call that strategist and let your higher self have a little talk with her about the gift, about the werewolf, that you don't have to hide or be afraid to be discovered.

Me: I see that it happened many times before: I've been given many gifts and rejected/suppressed them.

Holly: why?

Me: I was afraid of it being bigger than me, uncontrollable, dangerous to me. I see so much fear around it. It almost makes my hair stand up.

Holly: ask your higher self what needs to happen to quell that fear?

Me: we can do angelic healing and I can see that everything is in light and love and everything is for the highest good. Those times when it was dangerous or fatal, those times have passed. But, even if it gets dangerous in this lifetime, even then I can choose to stand by my gift, I can choose to keep my gift, I can choose to remain myself, stand by my own side, stick with myself. Even if I die because of my gift I go as myself. Instead of survive by pretending to be someone else, not basically as a coward who sacrificed her true self to stay alive. And, take pride in who I am. It does not matter - even if it's the magic of turning and potentially harming someone - it does not matter what the gift is: the gift is just that, a gift. So to be grateful, aware of how special it is, to be in awe of myself. Who am I to judge what is right and what is wrong? Why did I judge myself for being a werewolf is bad? If it was created, it was a gift, and therefore it's perfect.

Holly: let the strategist know this. Let this communication be uploaded with the higher functioning understanding and software from which it can function this lifetime, and get permission from this part, or mb an affirmation from this part that it's willing to take on this new role.

Me: I feel like it's as if defrosting.

Holly: while its defrosting whats happening to the shadow part?

Me: well she's disoriented.

Holly: what does she need?

Me: acceptance. Someone to say "it's OK. I love you just the way you are. Take your time, as long as you need, and if the clarity does not happen, I will take your hand and take you where you need to go".

Holly: how does she respond to this? She does not have to figure it out on her own.

Me: I also can tell her that she's precious to me just the way she is.

Holly: you have a constellation of this one part that's been confused, and the other part that's been afraid to use its gift. And you also have your higher self and all these other parts. And just imagine - as this integration happens - the level of power that you have accessible to use for the good. You can use this power to benefit yourself and others in miraculous ways. And this flow of power is the gift you have in this lifetime for your own evolution, and support the needs of others, and you can celebrate this gift every day. And the strategist has a new job description that elevates it from place of fears to a place of contributing its experience, tis focus, strategizing how to use this power, and you can learn how you can use this power in tandem with your higher self, so you can learn to trust it, appreciate it.

Me. From my higher self: You're not a monster, you're a gods child, and i'm proud of you. And even if you were.. No matter what happens, you are in favor, out of favor, i'll be with you, you are not alone. I will always always be on your side. And if you have this gift, it means you can handle it. You don't have to fight it, you can put your weapons down. You can take a breath and allow the magic to unfold.

Holly: what affirmation can you bring back in with you?

Me: I trust my magic.

Holly: bring well defined and cultivated magic with you into your consciousness. Open your eyes when you're ready.

The closing/sharing:

Me: for someone who does not even read about werewolves I had quite an extensive knowledge… amazing that I saw so many lifetimes when I betrayed myself. It's so easy to turn on myself.

Holly: but also you had other ones when you didn't. And I know it's a sense of being different that we all have, and this experience is universal. We all go through that denial of self.

Me: Holly do you think that this is my psyche is coming up with this archetype as a metaphor to learn this lesson, or is there a possibility that such a lifetime could have existed?

Holly: both can be true at the same time. It's like with dreams. You can experience those on so many levels. We are not one-dimensional. It's like shamanic cosmology. The werewolf stories: where did they start from? Some people thing they're real. But it's the fundamental Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - that struggle, that in control - out of control duality that you've struggled with.