Prologue:

My entire life I've felt deprived.

I felt deprived because princesses in the Russian fairytales had beautiful long hair and my mom refused to let my hair grow out, my haircut was consistently short and ugly.

I felt deprived because my mom never came to any of my recitals, because she worked all the time.

I felt deprived because my dad was an alcoholic. He would pass out in our building's hallway on the way to the basement, and neighbors would knock on our door and ask mom to pick him up.

I felt deprived because I had to use food stamps for lunch, which were broadcasting that my family was broken and poor.

I felt deprived because I did not have beautiful clothes.

I felt deprived because I had an accent.

I felt deprived because I was a woman in finance.

I felt deprived because I was a gentile at a jewish hedge fund.

You get the point…

To compensate I became smart, aggressive, rich. I forced life to compensate for my deprivation. But the list of what I felt deprived about just kept growing.

What I have realized is that I was missing the point the entire time. Those specific "depriving" circumstances were given to me to set me free. To learn to trust and accept, to find the beauty in the ugliness, to find salvation in slavery.

***
Regression request: fear of being rejected due to my flaws.

The fall of Bhahrat The Caveman or the Quest for Freedom (You are perfect)

Byzantium ca 6-9 century AC. The circus arena.

I am standing in front of an angry beast, ready to attack. My nostrils are flaring, the short hair got out of the bun and spread around my head like antennas, my beard is dense and spiky. My muscles are rolling under my skin as if about to burst out, my veins are like tight ropes. I am an all muscle 2m 15 cm (7 foot) tall man dressed as a caveman.

The beast and I are dancing an invisible dance of measuring each other out, intimidating, preparing for an attack that would cost one of us a life. Time slows down, the drops of sweat hang in the air. Neither of us can hear the crowd going crazy. It's just the two of us.

My opponent is a gigantic bengal tiger. The beast whose instinct to kill was honed by life in the arena. Killing is what he does for a living. So do I.

I feel confident. I know my power, I've mastered it. I am determined. I am Bhahrat the Caveman, the longest surviving gladiator in the Byzantine's deadliest arena.

The best has nothing on me. And he knows it. As he snares at me, I sense that he does not want to fight, he snares to scare me off into retreat. That's not going to do it. I am here to fight and to win. Every win gets me closer to freedom.

I am Bharat the Caveman.

In one swift motion I launch towards the beast. But my trajectory is interrupted - I am confused, trying to register what happened… I'm falling on my knees, confused, interrupted, hurt. Two arrows have pierced my legs behind my knees. WTF? Why? The questions crowd up unasked in my head, because I am busy readjusting my attack, which quickly turns into defensive, because the beast jumps in the brief opening of confusion. Good instincts beast. Good beast.

We roll in the sawdust, tied up in a deadly knot.

All the meanwhile one question is pounding in my head: "why? Why?? WHY???" My mind is racing as I am giving the beast a run for his money: "Why did they betray me?? WHY? WHY?"

I can't stop thinking: should have I done something? Adjusted my style? Reinvented my image? Maybe the caveman persona got stale? But why - it's been the biggest rainmaker! Maybe I should've become a Devil himself? Cut my hair? Implanted horns? Changed the tattoos? I could have done it, why didn't they say anything? Where are they going to get a rainmaker like me? This does not make sense. How come?? Why?

I am putting up a good fight but I know I lost. It's impossible to regain the advantage I lost when I got distracted by the arrows. Plus my legs are essentially gone. I cannot feel them. The arrows must have hit the nerves. Good aim. Precision. I keep fighting and it feels as if I am using my legs still. I cannot tell. I fight to the end. I am going like a champion, like a gladiator. Bhahrat the caveman. I didn't make it to freedom after all.

***
Emotions: despair, confusion, fear, feeling of being betrayed, feeling of being rejected, feeling of being abandoned.

Limiting beliefs formed as a result of this episode: I will get rejected, there's something is wrong with me.

Life between lives: The decision to let you go had nothing to do with you, it was driven by the constant search of how to attract crowds. Seeing the infallible gladiator fall was an ultimate crowd thrill. The surprise factor aimed to entice crowds not to miss a show.

The lesson of the lifetime: Relax into life, allow it to unfold no matter what kind of circumstance or lesson it brings. Even if it's scary, even the odds are stacked up against you, even if you are on a sure path to demise, TRUST that it is for your highest good. Trust and accept.



Do NOT try to manipulate life. Bhahrat the caveman tried to manipulate Life. He knew that the chances of survival of a circus gladiator were zero. But he refused to accept it.

Accept what is, trust that it is for your highest good, think how you can grow from your circumstances.

The freedom he was fighting for was right in front of him the entire time. Accepting and trusting would have set him free.

***
A more harmonious way to live it:

Ask yourself: what is this situation teaching me? What can I learn in a situation where I am certain to die? How can my spirit grow from this? Why did Life set up this perfect situation - to teach me what??

This would lead to a conclusion that I am there to learn humility, trust, acceptance.

A debrief of how Bhahrat the Cavemen handled it:

Bhahrat was clinging to beating his odds (i.e. ego). His refusal to go with the flow of Life, fighting his lot was like fighting the Universe, fighting Creation. But however strong he was, he could not win against Creation. So, he was certain to become disappointed, certain to lose.

The reality is, there is no need, because the Universe has your best interest in mind. His circumstance was designed perfectly to learn the lesson he needed the most: trust and accept.

Bhahrat could have embraced the outcome and fought without attachment to the outcome. I.e. "I accept that I will die in the arena sooner or later, I will fight to the end". Bhahrat thought that he needed to leave the circus to become a free man. However, he could have become free while still a slave. He could have become free right then and right there, the moment he embraced his destiny. He could have fought as a free man. Instead, he fought as a slave.

Living free as a slave. Let me try to explain.

When Bhahrat tried to manipulate life, he felt deprived. He felt deprived of what he was "supposed to have", freedom. So he fought with his entire might, beyond human abilities, to get that which he was deprived of.

What he missed however, is that the freedom he sought was right there in front of him all along. Just set yourself free. Free from the outcome, free from feeling deprived, free from feeling like he was lacking something. His freedom did not depend on anything: the circus management or his fighting abilities. It was available to him at any moment.

Since he saw freedom as something external, he made himself a victim of management/circumstances that made him a slave.

Freedom is seeing those circumstances as perfect for his best learning, for his growth; pondering about how he can make the most of it would have set him free. The moment he accepts his situation, he steps into his power. The moment he steps into his power, there is nothing and nobody that can defy him. The victory he was seeking was always available to him. It's in the mindset.

The lesson is 98% complete. Trust and accept.

You are perfect as is.